I have come to understand that apologizing does not indicate the admission of guilt. It is a social ritual, a tactic by which people can restore harmony to strained relations with those of their group. You make a demonstration of recognizing that you have hurt someone, for the purpose of showing that you either did not mean to cause hurt or that the hurt that was caused was something you did not want.
There is a strategic dimension to apologizing. It is a quick and painless way to get over the current situation so that you and your people can refocus on the greater concerns. Before industrialized times this might mean working together to get the harvest done or taking down that big prey. The one being apologized to accepts the apology to get things back into the status quo. There might be lingering feelings and the offended party might not want to forgive the offender, but the former accepts the apology because there are bigger fish to fry and a mutual concession will get things over with quicker. Plus, if he doesn't accept the apology he risks looking like the douche in the exchange, and might end up being blamed for the group's continued disharmony.
Eventually the bad feelings are forgotten, because in a true group - at least, one that isn't dysfunctional - the more intense feelings die out while each member continually displays value the others find they could not live without.
The point is that apologizing isn't about forgiveness or making any individual feel better. It's about the group and the group's continued survival. By my definition, apologizing is a social construct for small, tight-knit, non-dysfunctional groups. Apologizing as I define it would not work when one is doing it to loose groups of slacktivists or immature governments. When people want to see the flaws, no one is perfect; when someone falls off the pedestal they crow in delight because they were "correct" - not much else matters.
When one side can hold your future hostage by affecting your livelihood, and this side has no actual incentive to accept your apology and instead can continue to put the squeeze on you - to "ruin" you, I believe the term is - apologizing doesn't work. But - and here's a thing I learned at no small cost to myself - if they can't get organized enough to endanger your livelihood or freedom, if they don't really matter to you as individuals, when the only thing the monkeys can damage is your own monkey mind, then it's fine not to apologize.
Let's say you work in a company, and rumors about you begin to spread and a faction forms that wants to "teach you a lesson". Well, many of these people will move on because "teaching you a lesson" ultimately doesn't raise their pay or put food on the table. The faction's members really won't even be that close to each other; the most that will come out of it are a handful of Facebook connections. Facebook connections whose only real value are to fluff out newsfeeds and like pretentious selfies.
But what if you were in an environment where backlash of any kind can endanger your prospects? What if you were a public figure or an artist whose income is derived from the patronage of fans? I must admit that I don't have an answer for it, but I do know apologizing isn't the answer.
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